American Idol: Cure or Curse?

So, my cousin-in-law called me today and asked if I was standing in line for American Idol auditions in Milwaukee, WI today. I told him no becuase there would have been no way of getting off of work, and I put myself on vocal rest becuase my voice has been acting funny and I have a bunch of weddings and other things coming up that I don't want to blow it out. My voice is my other sources of income.

I told him this and he was like, "Well, I guess you don't want it enough."

This is where I got defensive. Ever since people heard that American Idol was coming to Milwaukee, I have been getting asked if I was going or not. I told most people "no" because I knew I didn't want to go. A bunch of my family members got upset and told me that I obviously don't want it enough.

Want what? Fame? Fortune? The chance to live my dream?? Of course I want it. But my priorities have been reshuffled since I first heard about American Idol back in the day.

I don't understand why my family thinks that I HAVE to do American Idol and if I don't, I don't want to live out my dream enough. And when I tell them that it's not what God is telling me to do right now, they get all funny and come back with the "I don't want it" thing again. I'm giving back my talent where it belongs: back to God by writing, singing, and worshiping. I don't have to be rich and famous. That's what they want for me and they want to live vicariously through me.

I think as a family, they should be happy for me and my decisions. I have so many opportunities presenting themselves that I'm excited and scared. God knows what's best for me. And now that I think of it, I remember Dad saying one time, that I would never make it on Idol. Not because I don't have the talent, but because of the atmosphere. The "Hollywood" side of music is not for me. And I knew exactly what he meant.

My music is about God. God is my music. And I want to write, sing and perform just for Him. I want to give everything I have back to him. I don't want to parade on a stage in front of millions of people, hoping and wishing they vote for me to make it through to the next round. My only vote that matters is the one from God.

And His plan for me is all that should matter. I'm trusting Him. I'm leaning on Him. I am trying to decipher if it's my voice or His when I make a decision. And the decision to not do American Idol was not mine. I fought it for seven years. And God won.

I just wish my family would be happy and support my decisions. I get defensive when they tell me that I don't know what I want or that I am giving up on my dreams. I shouldn't have to defend myself. But I do and I get upset and it shows.

I am praying that God lays on their hearts and sees that my choices are going to be what's best for it at that time in my life. It just aches my heart when they can't see that God is moving. It's hard being in a family that doesn't understand my faith. They support it, yes. But I can't discuss it with most of them. They start to fidget and turn away.

God, you know what best and I am trusting you.

Good luck to all those that actually do try out for American Idol. My prayers, thoughts and wishes are with you.

Fear....

January 12, 2010~Haiti hit by an earthquake

February 10, 2010~Chicago has mild earthquake
February 27, 2010~Chile hit by an earthquake
February 27, 2010~Hawaii hit by tsunami caused by Chile earthquake

Do I have reason to be afraid? Well, I am.

I have seen some videos on Youtube about people saying, “oh, it’s not the End Times, you don’t know what you are talking about.” Or, “You Christians are crazy saying that God is saying something to you people.”

I think I have reason to be afraid. To me, things just seem to be getting worse and worse in the world. I know earthquakes happen on a regular basis in some countries. But I haven’t seen this magnitude of them being publicized.

I think that God is speaking and people are taking their time to wake up. I think God has been speaking to us for centuries and we have been ignoring his light tap on the shoulder saying, “Hey, buddy, come and smell the coffee. It’s time to open your eyes.” So now, instead of being subtle, he’s placing His hands on our shoulders and shaking us violently to force us to open our eyes.

We don’t know how long the End Times are supposed to be. I mentioned them to someone at work the other day, and they rolled their eyes and was like, “Really? This stuff has always been going on. We’ve always been in the ‘end times’”. I’m sure we have. But things seem to be getting more and more violent. And more and more frequent.

It makes me question my faith. Not so much to the point that if I believe in God or not, but to the point of how strong is it, knowing that if something like this would happen to me, would I be able to still praise Him in the storm.

And I am afraid. I am afraid of what’s to come. I’m afraid of having a complete tragedy knock on my door. I am afraid of dying slowly.

I think it’s only human to be afraid. But that makes me get closer to God in prayer. Why does it take a tragedy to do so? Because it’s opening my eyes. Life is short. VERY SHORT. And I don’t want to take any minute that God is giving me for granted.

I know where I’m going when I die. I know that I will be at Jesus’ feet, safe. But in this fragile human form, I have nothing to cling to but the faith and hope that God will protect me in a time of disaster. I may not be one of the fortunate one day and will need to remember that even in the time of trial, I will rise. And God will be there holding my hand and leading through that dark, dark valley to the brightest of sunrises.

God's Loving Kindess

For some reason or another, I have never actually been able to wrap my fingers around the concept of God being my Father; my Daddy. Or Jesus as my brother.

I have always known God as a powerful omni-present being, the one that hears my prayers. And Jesus to be my Savior, but I never actually considered them to be part of my immediate family like I do my brother or my dad.

I have tried in the past to pray about it and take my cares to God like my father, but there was always a barrier that blocked me from feeling the things that I truly needed to feel to help me understand that God is my Father and I can go to him for anything that I need. I may not get it in an answer that I want like my Dad does to me, but He will answer me somehow. This I know. But I never could just close my eyes, reach out my arms and run to God like a little child does when they scrape their knee and he holds them tight and comforts them saying, "I'm here. You are okay. Daddy's here."

I have had a hard time over the past couple months trying to get into my Bible trying to learn what God wants me to. My mind was always distracted and I couldn't tell you how many times I would read the same sentence over and over and over again. I am grateful for the new friends that I have found at my new church. I started going to a new reunion group along with my regular one that I attend from the people of Walk to Emmaus. The new reunion group I chat with are women from my new congregation that have attended Via de Cristo which is similar to the Walk to Emmaus.

Ruth, one of the ladies from the group said to me, "Mindy, don't go to church-go to worship. And don't read the Bible- STUDY it."

I really needed to hear that because I was getting caught up in my schedule and I couldn't keep up with the daily readings and I wasn't retaining anything.

I did my study this morning and I had a new found, newly freshened look on the Bible. It was on God's kindness and how we really need to come to him as a child comes to a Father. He is our Daddy and we need to trust him like a child does. They mimic things that the parent does.

This makes me think of my 2 year old nephew. He does everything that my brother does. He is definitley a Daddy's boy. He follows Marshall around the house/yard with his Handy Manny tools and helps Daddy fix things. He runs to Daddy when it's time to sleep or he just needs a hug.

That's how I want to be with God. I want to look up to him and follow everything that He teaches me. I want to mirror him.

And I need to learn that Jesus is not only my Savior, but also my big brother. As I was reading my Bible study, I got this image of Jesus and I chatting over Starbucks, goofing off in the park, playing card games, crying into His shoulder, soaking it wet. That's the relationship I want with Jesus. I need to start making it personal again. I want to look at Him not only as my Savior and Brother, but also my lover. I want to be focused on nothing but him. I his love for me to fill me completely and make me whole. Sometimes that void just takes over and and I can't find anything to fill it, even when I try seeking it in the Word.

I am slowly learning to have an intimate relationship with my Daddy and Big Brother. I want it so much.

Ending is Beginning

Coincidence or God Speaking?

For most of you that regularly read my blog or are on the downhere boards know that I have been battling with a decision to leave my church(see previous post...).

Today at church at a wedding I sang at, there on my old music stand that I used to use every Sunday, was a single guitar pic.

I had bought Bob, our worship director, a downhere guitar pic card as a joke gift since he always picked on me about downhere.

On the music stand today was a single downhere guitar pic. I picked it up, looked at it, and choked back a couple tears that decided they wanted to form. On the pic were the downhere name and "Ending is Beginning".

I don't know if this was just a coincidence that that was there or if this was God saying, "Hey...it's okay. I am moving you in a new direction and you are ending here, but a new beginning is coming..."

I know that Ending is Beginning is also a parallel of coming to the end of myself and letting God begin again. Which is also a path that I need to consider. It's always a daily struggle to die to myself every day and let God do His thing. But I am learning as I am growing more and more in my faith to trust God and know that he is providing for me for what I need at the moment of every day.

God is great and I am trusting His plan and what he has in store for me. I know He has something big and exciting planned for me...just waiting to see what it is!!