American Idol: Cure or Curse?

So, my cousin-in-law called me today and asked if I was standing in line for American Idol auditions in Milwaukee, WI today. I told him no becuase there would have been no way of getting off of work, and I put myself on vocal rest becuase my voice has been acting funny and I have a bunch of weddings and other things coming up that I don't want to blow it out. My voice is my other sources of income.

I told him this and he was like, "Well, I guess you don't want it enough."

This is where I got defensive. Ever since people heard that American Idol was coming to Milwaukee, I have been getting asked if I was going or not. I told most people "no" because I knew I didn't want to go. A bunch of my family members got upset and told me that I obviously don't want it enough.

Want what? Fame? Fortune? The chance to live my dream?? Of course I want it. But my priorities have been reshuffled since I first heard about American Idol back in the day.

I don't understand why my family thinks that I HAVE to do American Idol and if I don't, I don't want to live out my dream enough. And when I tell them that it's not what God is telling me to do right now, they get all funny and come back with the "I don't want it" thing again. I'm giving back my talent where it belongs: back to God by writing, singing, and worshiping. I don't have to be rich and famous. That's what they want for me and they want to live vicariously through me.

I think as a family, they should be happy for me and my decisions. I have so many opportunities presenting themselves that I'm excited and scared. God knows what's best for me. And now that I think of it, I remember Dad saying one time, that I would never make it on Idol. Not because I don't have the talent, but because of the atmosphere. The "Hollywood" side of music is not for me. And I knew exactly what he meant.

My music is about God. God is my music. And I want to write, sing and perform just for Him. I want to give everything I have back to him. I don't want to parade on a stage in front of millions of people, hoping and wishing they vote for me to make it through to the next round. My only vote that matters is the one from God.

And His plan for me is all that should matter. I'm trusting Him. I'm leaning on Him. I am trying to decipher if it's my voice or His when I make a decision. And the decision to not do American Idol was not mine. I fought it for seven years. And God won.

I just wish my family would be happy and support my decisions. I get defensive when they tell me that I don't know what I want or that I am giving up on my dreams. I shouldn't have to defend myself. But I do and I get upset and it shows.

I am praying that God lays on their hearts and sees that my choices are going to be what's best for it at that time in my life. It just aches my heart when they can't see that God is moving. It's hard being in a family that doesn't understand my faith. They support it, yes. But I can't discuss it with most of them. They start to fidget and turn away.

God, you know what best and I am trusting you.

Good luck to all those that actually do try out for American Idol. My prayers, thoughts and wishes are with you.

Ending is Beginning

Coincidence or God Speaking?

For most of you that regularly read my blog or are on the downhere boards know that I have been battling with a decision to leave my church(see previous post...).

Today at church at a wedding I sang at, there on my old music stand that I used to use every Sunday, was a single guitar pic.

I had bought Bob, our worship director, a downhere guitar pic card as a joke gift since he always picked on me about downhere.

On the music stand today was a single downhere guitar pic. I picked it up, looked at it, and choked back a couple tears that decided they wanted to form. On the pic were the downhere name and "Ending is Beginning".

I don't know if this was just a coincidence that that was there or if this was God saying, "Hey...it's okay. I am moving you in a new direction and you are ending here, but a new beginning is coming..."

I know that Ending is Beginning is also a parallel of coming to the end of myself and letting God begin again. Which is also a path that I need to consider. It's always a daily struggle to die to myself every day and let God do His thing. But I am learning as I am growing more and more in my faith to trust God and know that he is providing for me for what I need at the moment of every day.

God is great and I am trusting His plan and what he has in store for me. I know He has something big and exciting planned for me...just waiting to see what it is!!